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Dating a Married Man-the Cons!! |
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I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show the other day and the topic was why women date married men.
 Oprah had invited four women to share their stories and experiences about why they dated married men. As I listened it became clear to me that there really are no pros/advantages to such relationships apart from pain and headaches.
It was amazing to hear the reasons why women thought it was okay to date married men despite what Oprah highlighted as negative in her probes. Some of what the women said resembled what I hear women giving as reasons for dating married men in our society, things like:
“He told me he was leaving his wife”. “His wife and children do not know about me, who am I hurting then?” “Our sex life is open, stimulating and exciting.” “We always have passionate sex.” “At least I know he has just his wife, not other women I don’t know.” “Having sex with him is safer because I am only competing with his wife.” “His wife is boring and my man is happier with me.” “He really takes care of me.” “His relationship with his wife was over before I came into the picture.” “My friends are envious of my relationship” “It’s different.” “He needs me.” I can go on and on.
My question is, how does one find herself in such a dilemma in the first place? Do women consciously decide to date married men, or is it by coincidence?
For some women it is a choice; they seek married men because they do not want to be tied down to answer to anybody; they complain that single guys are always available.
Some women meet these men, fall in-love thinking it’s a phase, it will pass, but months add to years in the relationship. A follow up question to this one is always, after you realize he is married, why not get out? Again a whole lot of excuses: “He will leave her, I just have to be patient”.
My take on this is, if your man does not leave or divorce his wife the month or even six months after he met you, honey…it’s unlikely he ever will. You will probably be single all your life if you don’t decide to leave. Again, the fact that the relationship is “different” is not cool. On the contrary, it’s abnormal, think about that.
One thing that is core is the single-married dyad/relationship is the lies, the deceit. Imagine having a man you cannot call anytime because he tells you he works long hours; he is the one to call because that is the time he is free to talk. You have a man who cannot be seen in public places with you, he tells you he is afraid his mother will find out he is cheating on his wife. The never spends a whole evening and night with you because he has a meeting first thing tomorrow morning, hence he must have enough sleep.
You have a man who tells you he will leave his wife for you. He might do the same to you once the fire is gone; you’ll get tarnished with the same brush.
You withdraw from your friends because they don’t like your man, but then you spend nights, weekends alone because he is away on holiday with his family and in your mind he has gone to tell his wife the truth about you and him. Stop lying to yourself. He is out having fun family time and you are the last person in his thoughts; out of sight out of mind.
The reality with these relationships is that the man enjoys himself more than you, the single woman. It is really about him and his selfishness. He has his bread buttered on both sides. One author said, “A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision.” Why not! He is happy and getting away with the game he is playing.
My other concern with these relationships is self respect, where is it? You are second best, dating a person you will never have all to yourself. What is wrong with you? Where are single men?
The issue about banna ba ba sa nyalang ga bao is really a copout because it perpetuates this behavior. I laugh when women say, “We are a couple”, where? Acting like a couple is one thing, but being one is another. Se ikaketse, you are not a couple and you may stay single all your life. Listen! the fact that you cannot take him lunch at his workplace says a lot, something is definitely wrong with this picture.
It’s not rocket science to figure this one out. Where is the guilt that you are hurting his wife and kids? Or you just don’t care…he came to you, you did not call him. That line has to go.
Dating a married man is a waste of your time; pointless, stressful. You are hooked to a pathological liar; the relationship will always be secret, you will never be known and appreciated for who you are.
You are hurting his wife, his children and yourself. So, get out, don’t fool yourself, regain your self-respect and take a walk in the opposite direction. You may be lucky to meet prince charming.
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